A little off topic

I know this is a little off the bipolar topic but I’m starting a new blog site that will be on random topics, after the first post that will be no mention of my bipolar disorder or this blog, however I will still be posting to this blog site from time to time… the other site will be a chance for me to write about more than just my bipolar… I’m not sure what or if anything will come from it but here’s a link to my new site. www.imbrian.home.blog


Thank you

Before I start this post I would like to say that this is NOT one of my “I’m doing better then in 4 days I’m back in a hole again” kinda post.

don’t get me wrong I’m feeling great, I have finally Slayed a major demon that kept me up at night, now that’s not to say everything is 100% ok because it not, but I understand no one is 100% happy all the time and I also understand everyone has demons they deal with… some of my demons will probably never fully go away and I’m ok with that, but the major demon is gone… and for the first time I can say “I’m free from you”… I’m free from endless nights with you locking yourself inside my head… I may have lost these past 4 years but I want to say “thank you” thank you for showing me what my low looks and feels like… however I will admit I’m the one that let it destroy me, but… “I understood myself only after destroying myself, and only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was”… so thank you.

Crawl inside my head with me.

crawl inside my head with me, I’ll show you how it feels to be messed up like me… good, now that you’re in my head let me ask you, can you hear that? Or feel it? What you’re hearing are ideas racing around in here and what your feeling is passion, passion for those ideas you’re hearing, I would advise you to ignore that passion feeling though, it can be very strong and make cause some serious damage in your life.

What’s that you say? You’re feeling something else? I knew you would feel it soon… that’s what my doctors call “rapid cycling bipolar”… it’s one hell of a feeling isn’t it? Try to stay with me though, I know it’s hard when you go from 0 to100 in 1 second and not knowing when you’ll come down or vice versa.

I can see by your body language that you’re feeling a new feeling? That’s called anxiety… this is important, I want you to look out of my eyes, right now I’m at a family get together and as you can see I’m just sitting there not talking, probably looking scared… that anxiety feeling that you’re feeling has cost me quite a bit so far.

Now this is the big one. You see that door all the way in the back of my head? I want you to go stand next to it, don’t open it, just stand there… it’s an intense feeling isn’t it? I want you understand something, that’s not a feeling that’s locked behind that door, it’s a monster, a monster that can open that door whenever it wants to if I’m not careful, that monsters name is depression and I compete with it everyday, it’s always trying to escape again…

I let you in my head not to try to make you feel sorry for me or any sort of pity but to get a better understanding of what’s all going on in here

Before you leave remember this “the strength of a tree Begins in the roots” in other words I live with all these things happening at the same time but I have to keep my mind strong for my life to grow.

Borrowing to much?

To everyone that’s loaned me money I’m sorry. It took me awhile to see that it was a mistake doing that…mostly because I borrowed a lot over the past 4 years (I’ve always paid back). I have no excuse for borrowing money other than I’m going through a hard time right now and I want to thank all of you even if it was something as simple as a $1 for a soda…

The truth is I absolutely hate borrowing money it always makes me feel like a bum or that I’m being a burden, my biggest fear is becoming a burden to people, it scares the hell out of me more than anything else… unfortunately, over the past few weeks I feel like my biggest fear is coming true…

I’m not going to end this post by saying my New Years resolution is to get a job and stop being a burden because that would be to easy and let’s face it, I’ve said that before and nothing different happened, also I’m not a fan of New Years resolutions I just find them kinda corny.

so here’s what I will end this post with… I’m going to work on myself, which in return will help me get a job and stop being a burden. Again to everyone who’s helped me over these past 4 years, thank you and I won’t be asking anymore.

I am… Depression

2015 was my best year with you, I got you to leave your girlfriend, leave your job, go to numerous doctors, try countless medicines, spend days in the hospital and gave you so many thoughts… but you became strong enough to escape me, I became angry so I waited and planned for the right time and just as you were on your way back to the top I reached from the dirt and grabbed your ankles, you tried fighting with positive thoughts but I held on, you became weak from the fight so I wrapped my arms around you and dragged you down back in my hole… now you’re mine again. I am… depression.

Should and should nots


Like my last post I am NOT saying this how everyone with bipolar, anxiety and depression feels, this is based on my experiences and from others that I’ve talked to.

This post is inspired by a question I received. the question was basically asking what to say or not to say to a loved one with bipolar, anxiety and depression. The main answer is don’t treat them any different than a person who doesn’t have these mental issues, because all we want is to be “normal” and treating us different will just remind us that we are not like everyone else and please, don’t “baby” the person that will only make them feel worthless and like a burden and that’s the last thing a person with depression needs. I would also steer away from saying anything like “I know how you feel” even if you’ve been through the exact same thing because everyone takes things differently, you may “understand” what they’re going through but the physical and mental feelings we get are unique to us as individuals so embrace the fact that you will never know what they are going through or have gone through, instead be open to the thought that things are a lot worse or better in their mind than what you may think and this should go for everyone not just people with mental illnesses.

For me I’m very open on talking about my current and past situations in hopes my words will help others but some of us just don’t feel comfortable talking about stuff so personal, when I was going through my worst I didn’t like talking about any of it, the main reason was I was too embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings and thoughts, my parents would ask me “how are you feeling” and I would always say the same thing “good” even if it was the worst day of my life because I didn’t want to talk about it, however I do believe talking about some of it can be therapeutic but please don’t push and push your loved one to talk if they are adamant on not talking about their issues, for me when people would push me to talk I would just hold it in and that made things a lot worse for me, your loved one will open up when they feel comfortable and ready.

This one should go without saying, if your loved one says they are depressed but you don’t see a reason for them to be first off, please don’t tell them “you have nothing to be depressed about” that may be the worst thing you could say… we know there’s nothing to be depressed about and it drives us insane knowing we are so unhappy for no reason, telling us this will only remind us, and secondly if they actually say they are depressed that means they are opening up and maybe wanting to talk, be thankful that they are letting you know because from my experience and people I’ve talked to its when your loved one doesn’t tell you anything and you know they’re depressed is when you really need to worry.

Why we do the things we do

user guide

Disclaimer- I am NOT trying to say that everyone with bipolar, depression and anxiety do these things for the same reason, I’m saying based on things I’ve read and of course personal experience I can say I believe most people with bipolar, depression and anxiety feel somewhat the same way as what this post explains

this post is for people who have loved ones with bipolar, depression and anxiety and you want to understand them a little more

Let’s start with bipolar


1) Spending money excessively- we get a rush or a high from spending money, we’ll spend money on things we don’t need just to spend it, in my personal experience it became almost an addiction so spend whatever money I had at the time.
2) Switching moods- I’ve read and talked to people about the switching of moods and from what I can gather some of us make the transition from happy to sad or sad to happy over the course of a period of time but some like me make the transition in just seconds.
3) Risky behavior- like spending money doing risky things gives us a high and is almost an addiction. A small example while riding on the passenger side I get the urge to put my arm out the window with my phone in hand and see if I can toss it a little in the air and catch it all the way to having thoughts of seeing how close I can get to a train by running across train tracks while one is coming.
4) Addiction- a large number of people with bipolar do become alcoholics and drug users, for me that’s why I no longer drink anything alcoholic or do any sort of recreational drugs
5) Hobbies/Ideas- I’m not sure if this one is actually a bipolar thing or not but a few people that I’ve talked to with bipolar do the same thing… we get into a hobby that will last anywhere from a couple days to a few months and we’ll spend every waking hour thinking about it, we’ll spend all of our money, time and effort on the hobby. Kind of the same thing is Ideas- we will get a great idea “master plan” in our head and not stop until its accomplished or until we get a new idea, it’s the same thing as the hobby we’ll spend all of our money, time and effort trying to make this idea happen and from personal experience the ideas always seem to be the “best idea ever” during that time.

Now for some anxiety


1) Panic attack/Work- like others I literally get scared when it comes to going to work… I know what you’re thinking, everyone hates going to a new job, yes I get that but what you must understand is when we have a panic attack we become a “child trapped in their worst nightmare” its hard to breathe, tunnel vision, a force that makes you leave the current situation and the feeling that you may not make it out alive, I know that sounds a bit extreme but I can promise panic attacks are nothing to play with… I’m 28 years old and I can honestly say I am scared of going to family get-togethers because I don’t know if I’ll have an attack or not. When I do get them at family evens there not full-blown attacks, I just get quieter than normal and yes ill even get teary-eyed because I get so fearful.

It’s time for the big one


To understand this part you must try and see things through a depressed person’s eyes.

1) Why do we stay in bed?- even though depression is a “feeling” it’s also mentally and physically draining, getting out of bed and leaving the comfort of a dark room just seems too demanding and honestly, you can tell a depressed person that you’re about to go do their favorite activity but any interest in hobbies that we may have had are now gone.
2) Cutting- this is a serious one and quite dangerous too. For me when I used to cut I did NOT do it because I liked the feeling, I did it because I was so tired of feeling like shit and when I would cut for that split second I would feel the pain of the knife and not the feeling of depression.
3) Suicide- I was very suicidal for awhile to the point I can confidently say that if I had a full proof way of doing it I would have, I remember sitting in my room with a handful of pills thinking this probably won’t work 100%, I made a noose with a belt in my closet and tried choking myself to death but my reflexes kept making me stop… so why am I telling you this because even though I wanted to end my life so bad, I did NOT want to die, I just didn’t want to feel like shit anymore, I didn’t want the constant pit in my stomach, the feelings of worthlessness, the feeling that I was just a burden on everyone and the feeling that this will never end… from the people I’ve talked to and things, I’ve read most people who are suicidal don’t actually want to die… they just don’t want to feel depressed anymore.

Its been a couple years since I was at my worst, 2015 was the year to be exact. I’ve overcome a lot since then but I’m still battling some inner demons. I don’t think bipolar, anxiety and depression are a war I can win, I believe its going to be a series of battles through out my life and the only way to get the upper hand in a battle is to outsmart your opponent, so far I’m doing good fighting off depression, its bipolar and anxiety that I’m battling with now.

I hope the post was useful and maybe it gave you a little more understanding of your loved one or yourself. like I said in the disclaimer I know this post isn’t for 100% of people but hopefully it still helped. If you have any questions please feel free to ask there’s an “about me” section for questions and comments but its easier to reach me at edgestudios101@gmail.com